Secrets of successful relationships

                              

By Bayo Ogunmupe

     We hear much of the disputes and failures going on in families and communities. But what can we learn from what goes right in successful relationships? Thus, we shall discuss here some secrets of successful relationships in families and communities. The first rule of creating successful families is commitment to family unity. Husbands and wives who are committed to their marriage view it as a permanent bond. This creates a sense of security in the family. Each spouse is confident that the other will honour the union, even in difficult times. Some couples are compelled to stay together owing to social pressure. However, it is far better unity is achieved due to a sense of commitment that is based on mutual love and respect.

     When confronted with problems, spouses without commitment are more likely to conclude they are just not made for each other. Then, they look for ways to get out of the marriage. But if you are committed to your marriage, when you are wronged, you are quick to forgive and apologise. You see problems as obstacles not as deal breakers. But the Bible principle involved in this is: "What God has yoked together, let no man put apart," Matthew 19:6.

      For couples, the second rule is teamwork. When there is teamwork in a relationship, a husband and wife are like a pilot and copilot with the same flight plan. Even when challenges arise, each spouse thinks in terms of we, rather than me. The Bible says: "They are no longer two, but one flesh," Matthew 19:6. The solution is to forget who is right or wrong, but having peace and unity in your marriage. And thirdly, what this means is respect; spouses care and respect each other even during a disagreement. Respecting your wife means you appreciate her value  and you would do nothing to damage her or your marriage.

     Without respect, conversations can become laced with criticism, sarcasm and contempt- qualities that researchers say are early predictors of divorce. Making bad remarks, innuendoes or jokes about your wife will only crush her confidence, destroy her trust and damage your marriage. The solution is to tell your wife three ways you would like to be shown respect. Have your wife do the same. Make a list of traits you admire in your spouse. Then, tell your spouse how much you appreciate those traits. To respect your husband means you show by your actions that you want him to be happy. The Bible principle covering this is:"Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, humility, mildness and patience," Colossians 3:12.

     The fourth rule is forgiveness. To forgive means to let go of an offence and any feelings of resentment it may have caused you. "Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another," Colossians 3:13. When you love someone you overlook her imperfections, instead you see the person she is trying to become. With resentment, you can harm yourself physically, emotionally and you can also damage your marriage.

     The next time you are hurt by something your spouse has said or done, excuse him of his behaviour, remembering that "we all stumble many times," James 3:2. And for parents, the fifth rule is discipline. To discipline means to guide or teach. This also means correcting a child's behaviour. Often, this involves imparting moral training that helps a child learn to make good choices in life. In recent times, discipline has all but disappear from homes, as parents fear that correction might lower a child's self-esteem. 

     However, wise parents set reasonable rules, training their children to abide by them. Children need boundaries to enable them grow into well-rounded adults. Without discipline, children are like a rudderless ship, which will eventually get lost and even capsize. What you should do is be consistent. If your child does not adhere to your rules, enforce consequences. However, readily commend your child whenever he complies. "Whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap,"Galatians 6:7.

     In upholding discipline, be reasonable, balance the child's age and competence level with the weight of the infraction. Consequences are usually most effective when they are related to the wrong. If it is the misuse of the phone, this should be the loss of phone privileges for a period of time. "Do not be provoking to your children, so that they do not become discouraged," Colossians 3:21. Be loving for discipline is much easier for children to accept when they know that a parent's primary motive is love. "Love is patient and kind," 1 Corinthians 13:4. Discipline guides a child the way a rudder steers a boat and keeps it on course.

Secrets of Successful Relationships 2

                            By Bayo Ogunmupe

    Herewith is the concluding narrative on the secrets of successful relationships in families and communities. We shall start from the necessity of parents to discipline their wards today. Discipline involves imparting moral training that helps children learn to make good choices concerning careers and marriage in the future. Parents need to apply discipline consistently to their wards. Where a child isn't obeying your rules, you should enforce consequences.

    As a teacher, I used to commend my students for being obedient in a world that has gone haywire. Commendation makes it easier for them to accept correction when it is needed. Also as parents we should be reasonable in balancing the age of the child with the severity of punishment consequent upon infractions. Punishment is most effective when it is related to the wrong doing. For example, misuse of the phone might result in the seizure of the phone for some weeks. However show love to your wards. Discipline is much easier to accept when the children know a parent's primary motive is love.

    Two, educators must act from specific value systems. Values are the personal standards by which you choose to live. This means striving to deal honestly in your daily living. And you wanting to instill that moral value in your wards. Maintaining ethical standards is also a system of values. In such cases, a person strives to be industrious, fair and considerate to others, traits that are best developed while a person is still young.The bible principle applying here is: "Train a child in the way he should go; even when he grows old he will not depart from it," Proverbs 22:6.

    Even in this age of technology, values matter. Through the phone and radio, bad influences can be accessed. People getting missing through impromptu communications via the radio and facebook encounters. Through facebook contact, unknown to her parents, Cynthia Osokogu was taken to and murdered in a hotel by a would be lover. Moreover, our children could be sitting next to us while watching something indecent. "Mature people have their powers of discernment trained to distinguish both right and wrong," Hebrews 5:14.

    Let your family members know your values. I tell my people that fornication and adultery hinder prayers. Send them literature that imparts values. For example, research shows that teenagers are more likely to abstain from premarital sex if they have been given clear instruction that such conduct is wrong or that it could ruin the entire life through contracting HIV-AIDS. It is difficult for children to choose between right and wrong if they are not told what is right. So, teach ethical values to the children of your community. Teach children to say "please" and "thank you."

    Once children see they are part of something larger than themselves; family, community and school, the more they readily perform acts of kindness that benefit everyone. Which is why thirdly, you should teach by example. Parents must live by what they teach. You should not expect your ward to be truthful if he overheard you say "Tell him I am not at home," when you do not wish to see someone visiting you. Children and teenagers are influenced more by their parents more than anyone else. That means you are in the primary position to guide your children in the right way.

    Four, with a strong personal identity, you can withstand all storms. This means your identity is far beyond your name and appearance. It involves your values, beliefs and rituals instead of allowing your peers to control you. Majority of people are like the mannequins displayed in stores. They don't choose the clothes they wear; others chose it for them. So, learn to stand for what is right even when it is hard. "Stop being molded by this system of things, but be transformed by making your mind over," Romans 12:2.